Of a Demon In My View
by paperfacesonparade02
Summary: "From childhood's hour I have not been as other's were…and all I love, I loved alone." - The back-story of Nellie Lovett, from childhood to the return and metamorphosis of an old friend , and how it all relates to back to a much beloved barber. And perhaps his alter-ego as well. Benjamin/Nellie & Sweenett.


_Of a Demon in My View  
Chapter One: Great Expectations  
_

**A/N: ****I don't own Sweeney Todd or "Alone" or anything, really (which I believe also includes any books I may or may not mention…)**

**This is chapter's kind of a prologue, set in the movie-verse, sometime between Mrs. Lovett's symbolic "adoption" of Toby and the killing of the judge.**  
**The whole story, though, you can decide whether you want to take it as something that fits into the canon plot of the movie, or if you want to look at it as something AU. It can work both ways since the rest (i.e. further chapters) will be told in flashbacks and it won't actually deal with the ending of the story or Sweeney's revenge (including it's aftermath). This is more about Benjamin and Nellie more than Sweeney, but he will make appearances.**  
**Fear not, you should be able to catch on. And I do have a plan.**  
**I'm sorry if this is all over the place.**  
**Here we go.**

"From childhood's hour I have not been  
As other's were; I have not seen  
As others saw; I could not bring  
My passions from a common spring.  
From the same source I have not taken  
My sorrow; I could not awaken  
My heart to joy at the same tone;  
And all I loved, I loved alone.  
Then - in my childhood, in the dawn  
Of a most stormy life- was drawn  
From every depth of good and ill  
The mystery which binds me still:  
From the torrent, or the fountain,  
From the red cliff of the mountain,  
From the sun that round me rolled  
In it's autumn tint of gold,  
From the lightening in the sky  
As it passed me flying by,  
From the thunder and the storm  
And the cloud that took the form  
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)  
Of a demon in my view."  
-_Alone,_ Edgar Allen Poe

Nellie Lovett closed her eyes for a moment, feeling the weight of the day resting there, weighing her down. The fire licked the stone keeping it smartly contained, but the snow piled up against her window and sank in through the thin walls, the poorly made frame of the window. The hearth never could keep away the cold for her, but Nellie didn't care. Appreciated it, even. Winter was the best of times in London.

The smog was overlooked, overshadowed even, for everything was covered in clean, crisp snow.

It was right cheery. Cheery as London could be, of course.

But Nellie Lovett never was hard to please.

The cold curled around her and made her shiver. Feeling it seeping into her already weary bones, she breathed out soundly, thinking the day had at least been busy in a way what accomplished something. And she hadn't had to clean up any – _messes_ – of her tenant's. That meant he'd double up tomorrow, making her bones ache far more than they were to start, but at least she'd have reason to be up there. Couldn't complain about that.

But today had been nice too. And she'd even avoided being covered in blood.

There was always the usual pace of work, which picked up at the end of the week like usual. Business was doing well, better than ever actually. And while there were spare pockets of time throughout the day, since there was no need to sop up blood or remove flesh from the corpses, she'd had time to help Toby with his writing lessons she'd arranged for him. Sure, Nellie hardly got any sleep as it was, but the boy couldn't even read when he'd found her, and he loved books, and she loved reading to him, but it couldn't last forever. So she'd come up with some practices and even if she'd had to sacrifice more of the small increment of time she had already for rest, it was worth it and her dear Toby was catching on quick.

And Sweeney had come downstairs to ask for a glass of gin. She hadn't even had to walk up those damned stairs to coax him down.

Nellie felt a smile curl across her face.

It had been a good day indeed.

"Mum?" It was Toby, probably asking for some gin himself.

"Hmm?" she murmured, unwilling to open her eyes and move past the image of Mr. T poking his head in through her door, looking rumpled, quite like an uncomfortable child. She smiled absentmindedly.

"Mum, can we read?" Nellie opened her eyes reluctantly to see Toby, fingering though the novel she had been reading to him for the last week and a half. _Great Expectations. _She almost laughed. _Irony, thou art a cruel and heartless bitch._

She watched Toby run his finger along the messy writing along the inside cover. She was suddenly thankful the lad couldn't read for himself just yet. Didn't need to pry too much into some things.

She took the book from him and looked at that front inside page herself.

Dearest Nellie – All our gratitude for the years of friendship and free pies. Merry Christmas and love always, Benjamin and Lucy Barker.  
(And Johanna as well)

But it was only his handwriting she saw on the page.

"Alright, love…" With a sigh, she turned to where they had left off.

"_The unqualified truth is, that when I loved Estella with the love of a man, I loved her simply because I found her irresistible. Once for all; I knew to my sorrow, often and often, if not always, that I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. Once for all; I loved her none the less because I knew it, and it had no more influence in restraining me, than if I had devoutly believed her to be human perfection."_

Quick as Nellie had begun to read, she snapped the book shut again, sucking in air through her teeth.

"Mum?" He sounded so concerned. She immediately felt ashamed at herself for making the poor child worry. If anyone deserved a mother figure, it was Toby, and he loved her so. You could see it on his face. He didn't know any better because he'd never had any better, but Nellie knew he deserved so much more than Fleet Street and all it's secrets.

"Yes, dearie?"

"You don't hav' to read anymore. It isn't nothin' to me," Toby said grinning sadly at her. God, she hated that grin. It was like it was invented purely to induce guilt into her head what was already swarming with such feelings.

"Toby, you're so much better than what I ever thought I'd have." she didn't mean for her voice to give so much away. To hide the moisture brimming along the edges of her eyes, she patted the place on the settee next to her and Toby moved himself over to sit by her side. Nellie found herself running her hand over his hair, lovingly, against the grain of it and saw the kind of look on his face a mother sees from her child – beyond adoration. Trust. But it was fringed with worry.

She wished beyond everything else that that worry wasn't justified.

He leaned into her side and said, hugging her like a child (she had to remind herself this was because that he _is_ still only a child), and said, "I never 'ad nothing either, mum. In the workplace, I was lucky if all I got was left alone. Most of the time I didn' get that. They called me awful things, Washrag and the like." He was picking up on her habit to ramble.

"You know, I've been thinkin'. An' even if I'd had me own son, I'd still choose you, love."

The lad's lopsided grin lit up both their faces.

"I been thinkin'." _Oh God no._

"Yeah?"

"You find yourself upset a lot on account of Mr. Todd, don't you?" said the boy.

"That obvious, am I? Well. Don't go worrying and fillin' your 'ead with uselessness on my account. I know 'ow it is and I'm okay with it. We always get by, don't we? Just us? 'Sides, he's so, so good to us, Toby. 'Fore 'e came back I was practically in the ditch again."

"Yes, mum. I know you'll always survive, but you deserve better than 'im."

"Love, he ain't a bad man." Nellie wasn't sure whether or not she was lying.

"You do love 'im then?"

"Always, dearie."

"Well, that's what I been thinkin' about…you said after 'e came back…and it's just…well. He – this book…" Toby chocked out, nervous as a cat. "When 'e was Barker…Was you – er, _were – _were you in love with 'im then, as well?"

"Oh, love." The child harped on about being dumb, but Nellie knew it was just his humble nature. So, so humble. And good. Just the same as her Benjamin was. Such intelligence, such _light_. Even more than the inner workings of his head, though, was that way they were both always so true to anything they cared about, better than any virtue they could have ever displayed. They both cared so. But how he had come to this conclusion she was unaware of. And worried.

"'Ow do you know a thing like that?"

"Those pictures of 'is wife. They have the same names on the back. And I 'eard you once, said to 'im that 'e had to move on, wasn't Benjamin anymore and all. And well, I just figured he came back from somewhere…changed 'is name for somethin'. Why would a man have to change 'is whole self if he's just a good man..I just don't –"

"Calm down, child. Hush now. Hush." She stroked the back of his head, glad he couldn't see the stress etching its way across her face.

"Listen, now. You can't tell no one 'bout this, love," she went on. "He…is not Benjamin anymore. But out of necessity. And it ain't nothing what he done, love. Oh, it's all so complicated and 'appened so long ago." She paused, wanting to sigh but painfully aware of the thin the ice she was walking on.

"So," she said, resigning herself "He's a man like any other. Fact, he was better than most. But another man, worse than most ya might say, locked 'im away on false pretenses." Toby's eyes glowed up at her, enthralled orbs, listening with that godforsaken trust. "And when 'e got out 'e couldn't go back to what he was. He 'as no family left and none of it was 'is fault at all. None of it. So I suppose he 'as some things to hide, but 'e ain't the one what made it that way. And he's just sad. That's all. Just a man, just a sad man. So don't go thinking badly of 'im. It's like a child that doesn't know any better than to be distraught. And wouldn't we all be, too…" She allowed her voice to trail off, wondering if she'd ever learn whether or not her words were true.

After a moment of heavy silence, Nellie felt her mind beginning to float towards the past. But Toby interrupted with a nod. "So you see why it's important no one knows. You shouldn't. 'E'd have my head if 'e knew. The whole thing - it's just not very nice. You understand?"

"You never answered my question, mum…" Toby said.

She sighed. She felt bad for lying, but she didn't _really. _Just edited a bit. Selective memory. She was getting older. Hard to fixate on details, and all… Every day she was more frazzled and vague…

But that's just an excuse.

She remembered perfectly.

**A/N: Sorry if that became a bit soppy whenever I was talking about Toby. I just love him more than life itself ok.  
**

**Review?  
(I am obviously not above begging for feedback)**


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